14 October 2008

Reconciling Sarah with her male past

Two posts ago, I stated that Sarah would continue wearing a few of Sanford's shirts, as minidresses, for a sexy fashion statement. I never pictured Sarah keeping Sanford's old outfits until now, but as soon as I thought of that, and had a mental image of Sarah in those shirts, all sorts of thoughts started going through my head.

I am thinking that when Sarah starts living as a woman, her impulse is to give away Sanford's entire wardrobe to charity. After all, the very concept of Sanford is something that Sarah would like to forget, immediately and once and for all. And those long shirts that I am thinking of are going to be quite useless anyway, as it's the mid-1990s, when tunics were on their way out and bare midriffs were coming in. But for some reason, two of those long shirts, one plaid and one denim, somehow stored separate from the rest of the wardrobe, will get overlooked, and by the time Sarah re-discovers them a few years later, she'll hold on to them, for possible use as nightshirts.

The two shirts will make poor nightshirts, but somehow they will stay in Sarah's wardrobe. She'll attempt to pair them with her bellbottoms and wide-legged trousers, but she won't like them too much. But as the years progress into the mid-2000s, and leggings, then menswear-inspired shirtdresses, come into style, Sarah will finally find good use for the shirts. They will actually be a bit too short to be proper dresses, but Sarah won't mind - as long as her derriere (barely) stays covered, anyway. She'll take pleasure in knowing that those shirts were not borrowed from a boyfriend, but rather from her own past. To ensure a feminine look, Sarah will make sure to wear them, only with hosiery, feminine shoes, makeup, and proper feminine accessories (including a double-female symbol necklace); that will symbolize Sarah's comfort in turning her male past into a feminine present and future.

Previously, I wrote a scene, where Sarah, nearing her surgery, will visit a sperm bank to save her sperm, and her body acts very male in the process, throwing her identity into chaos. Sarah was supposed to wear a floral sundress for the occasion, though I later changed that to a tunic sweater. Now, I want Sarah to wear Sanford's plaid shirt. (The scene will also take place somewhat earlier, to also ensure that her sperm will not be spoiled by long-term estrogen therapy. But her body will still act very male, anyway.) She'll wear the shirt to give her male identity and past one final nod, for the occasion. But as soon as she enters her cubicle and pulls down her control-top tights, and her "big clit" pops out right under the bottommost button on the shirt for a breath of fresh air, the male identity will completely take over. Sarah will once again see the "big clit" as a penis, and note its large size that most men could only dream of and envy. Despite her long hair, makeup, and sizable boobs, she'll once again see herself as Sanford, there to do his job. As she tries hard to produce the sperm, she will also have very visually oriented, masculine fantasies as well, including things I already wrote about - Kirsten in her sexy lingerie (nonexistent in real life), and the final images of Martha.

Once the job is done, Sarah's body starts to wind down, and the semen is in the cup, that final presence of Sanford will turn into confusion. The semen will remind Sarah that she will be the father of Kirsten's future child. And as she gets dressed back up, she will continue to see herself as Sanford - only with tights instead of cargo pants. As she slips back into her boots, she'll even feel that she looks like a medieval male lumberjack, as opposed to a modern-day woman. As she leaves the sperm bank, gets into her Beetle, and continues to feel visual attraction to curvy female nurses walking by, she'll continue to wonder: "What the hell am I doing here, clad only in pantyhose and driving a chick car?" She may even go home to Kirsten and ask to break up, even telling her that she will be better off dating a "real woman" than a "delusional man" like herself. Only Kirsten's love and insistence, and reminders of Sarah's true womanhood over all those years, will knock some sense back into Sarah, though she will continue to feel shaken for the next several days.

I really need to shake up Sarah's female identity, and this will be the way to do it. The end result will be that Sarah will feel more secure about both her current and future female identity AND her male past (though the latter was certainly NOT her own choice). Sarah will continue to wear Sanford's old shirts into the future, to further signify her confidence and identity. When the child is born, I hope Sarah feels proud to be the child's father, and when the child is old enough to know that Sarah is its father as opposed to its second mother, I also hope that Sarah will be very happy to share the story.

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